The Family: A Proclamation to the World produced by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in 1995 states, “Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live.”

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At the time this counsel was given, I was a teenager, and wondered why such an obvious statement was necessary. I admit I was sheltered as a child and really didn’t know much of family trials. I hadn’t experienced divorce, or parents who argue.  I lived in a peaceful home.

When I graduated high school, I moved out of the house and began college in a town about 180 miles away.  I was roommates with a young man who came from a broken family.  He shared his childhood with me and how his siblings had mixed reactions to their parent’s divorce.  Sorrow and self-blame are what he struggled with while his siblings gained anger, depression, and a low opinion of marriage.

When a couple is unable and unwilling to continue rearing children as a team, the broad affect is something they can’t anticipate.  My roommate is just one of many scenarios with similar outcomes.  I’ve noticed some individuals have less dramatic ways of participating in the stresses of divorce, but no matter the displayed affects from the children any type of detachment in a marriage will affect the children.  It is the responsibility of these parents to teach, nurture and protect their offspring, divorce is not the way.

Often times, the reasons for divorce are created by imperfections and unwillingness to forgive. That being said, there are circumstances where a separation is the only relief from continued, harmful abuse. Dallin H. Oaks mentioned this when he said, “We know that many of you are innocent victims—members whose former spouses persistently betrayed sacred covenants or abandoned or refused to perform marriage responsibilities for an extended period. Members who have experienced such abuse have firsthand knowledge of circumstances worse than divorce.  When a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a means to end it” (Oaks, Divorce, April 2007).

In these extreme cases, separation should be considered as a last ditch effort to gain relief from pain and sorrow caused by continued neglect or abuse.  Though I don’t agree with divorce, I do recognize it has its time and place to end injustice.

It is my hope that I can remember to do my part in keeping my wife and children, and their happiness and safety, fresh in my mind.  In so doing, I can fortify my family and strengthen our relationships in an effort to prevent detachments from occurring within our own home.

– Mr.

For years I watched my parent’s cold relationship.  I don’t recall them talking as friends, no jokes, no laughs, no fun.  What kind of marriage doesn’t communicate? They didn’t seem to care about each other so what on earth brought them together to make a family?  And why bring five children into this hollow relationship?

When I got the official word, that divorce was the conclusion to their marriage, I shrugged my shoulders and responded with, “Well, it’s about time.”  I was sixteen years old, what else could I say.

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“Divorce will not solve your problems. It may close the door on some, but it is like walking down a long corridor with doors opening on both sides to many more problems.” – Spencer W. Kimball

 

The immediate future changed drastically.  Dad moved out, mom moved forward with a full-time job, and no one seemed to care for the teens and tweens left at home.  I could literally do anything I wanted, my mom would never know and my dad wouldn’t be allowed to know.

Mom filled my head with information more appropriate to share with a therapist, all of which centered on how she was wronged by Dad.  He wasn’t paying child support, credit card bills, or alimony.  He was “out to get her.”  He was the devil and wanted nothing more than to watch her suffer financially.  This nonsense went on endlessly.  In short, she had been mistreated by Dad and had done nothing to invoke such abuse. #InsertEyeRoll

Fast forward twenty years:  I learn that not only was my dad heartbroken over the divorce, he wanted to work it out and attempted marriage counseling repeatedly, but to no avail.  It’s tricky trying to heal a marriage alone.  He wanted to support our family at the very least financially and thus paid ALL child support, credit card bills, even my mom’s student loans.  At every turn, my mom spread contrasting stories to all who would believe her.  She could spin quite a story, but the main characters had been mismatched and renamed.  I am ashamed that I fell for her fictional tales.

How do we view those that mistreat us?  This question was posed in the book The Peacegiver by James L. Ferrell and got me thinking about my parent’s divorce. During all the turmoil, my dad chose peace.  He chose to let my mom say what she wanted, all the while knowing a false representation of himself was spreading like wildfire.  How did he view this woman who was mistreating him?  As the mother of his children.

Dallin H. Oaks counseled, “The remedy is not divorce but repentance.”  My dad could have demanded truth and justice be served to him in those years following the divorce, but he clung to the knowledge that all he could really do was love from a distance and forgive my mom at each turn.  It wasn’t easy.  He watched his children suffer, but in time I was able to see his constant Christ-like charity and love him for it.  My dad has passed on now, but was able to do so with peace, knowing he did all in his power to repair what he could of his broken family.

-Mrs.