In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman talks about the importance of husbands letting their wives influence them. This is funny to me and my wife because of a little inside joke we have in our marriage. When we feel like we are being pushed in a direction, we jokingly step back and state: “Don’t tell me what to do!” We do this because we both really enjoy being told what to do. #NotInTheLeast  It must be our meek personalities. Truly though, to be influenced by your spouse is to become closer as a couple.

It is wise to remember that you cannot be married by yourself. Many jokingly talk about the good times they had as a bachelor. When I think of being an endless bachelor, the idea sounds great for a few days, but then I would undoubtedly want to turn to my wife, who wouldn’t be there, to share what is going on in my life. This sounds lonely and makes me sad.  Life is better shared with someone. It is much better when you have a partner to share in your successes and moments of learning, and difficulty.

When I look back, I can see how I have molded and changed over the years – a majority of these changes came through the influence of my wife. Sometimes these changes have come by her sanding me with 60 grit sand paper and others have come through personal revelation of how I can help my family.

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I have read or listened to Erza Taft Benson’s “Beware of Pride” talk many times and each time I come away with something new that I need to work on. This is funny because every time I think I have pride under control, I leave with the knowledge that I don’t and still have a long way to go. I’m sure I will improve with time but am convinced that pride will only truly depart in the afterlife when we are taken from this fallen state and have a fuller understanding.  Life as our Father in Heaven and Christ see it is greater than we can comprehend.  For now, I will cling to making small improvements as I continue to listen to Benson’s counsel and accept the influence of my wife.

-Mr.

Confidence, success, and satisfaction in life are associated with pride.  Can you imagine a world where each individual had the goal of bettering themselves?  What a great ambition.  Just think what the combination of self-confidence and achievement could do for the betterment of society.  Ideally, it would prosper beyond what we could ever fathom.  Unfortunately, there is a terrible side effect of pride: comparison, competition, and depression.

Ezra Taft Benson mentioned, “In the words of C. S. Lewis: ‘Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest.”  He goes on to say, “Pride is ugly. It says, ‘If you succeed, I am a failure’” (Benson, 1989).

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Even more depressing is when we include pride in our marriages.  Benson cautions that prideful individuals tend to refuse forgiveness and hoard grudges.  Who wants to be married to a grudge holder?  You would literally never be good enough for that person because even if you did repent and ask for forgiveness, it would be met with refusal and resentment.  No, thanks.

However, no one is immune from giving or receiving such treatment included with pride.  According to H. Wallace Goddard, “The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others.”  He goes on to mention, “When we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse… we are guilty of pride” (Goddard, 2009, p.69).  Did you catch that?  It was simple to envision a grudge-holder and inwardly say, “That’s not what I do.  That person needs to snap out of it.”  It’s quite another to admit pride is the same as being irritated with your spouse.  #OhSnap #Guilty

Benson hit that straight on when he said, “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves” (Benson, 1989).  How many times have I noticed the pride in my own husband, and others, while denying my own sin?  I don’t want to comment on that.  But I will share a story about a conversation I had with an aged woman at church.  We’ll call her Mrs. Manners to keep it anonymous.  The story went like this:

Mrs. Manners loved for children to be seen and not heard.  She wanted nothing more than obedience and reverence when it came to the children’s church meeting.  But as for me, I wanted the children to let their wiggles out.  These little ones were tired, and after sitting still for the previous 2 hours all they really needed was pizza, ice cream, and possibly a pool party.  (Unfortunately, we don’t swim in Sundays).

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There I was, feeling sorry for these children even though they were managing to sit quiet fairly well, when Mrs. Manners stopped the class and in front of all the children belittled them for their rowdiness.  Wait, what?  Oh, no!  You did NOT just reprimand these kids when they were doing the best they could to be noiselss.

After the meeting was over, I pulled Mrs. Manners to the side and let her have it.  I was so angry I trembled as I pointed my finger at her, accusing her of saying horrible things to children, most of whom were mine, and at church.  Jesus would never!  What a sad excuse for a leader and teacher.  I told her I would not stand for this type of treatment and she better shape up.

After dusting off my hands and hoping in the car to calm my nerves down, I went about my week.  And wouldn’t you know: I found myself yelling the exact same horrible things to my children as Mrs. Manners had done the Sunday before.  I was shocked at this revelation.  I was totally embarrassed and humiliated.  Benson’s words rang true that week, “The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily” (Benson, 1989).  He is right.  It wasn’t easy, it was demeaning.

In order to live with myself, I had to apologize.  The following week I pulled Mrs. Manners aside, again, and let her know about my own actions and how terrible I felt for such hypocrisy.  Then she did something that changed our relationship forever, she quickly forgave me with a smile, twinkle in her eye and a squeeze of my hand.  All contention melted away in that moment, ceasing to return.  Praise the Lord she was not as prideful as I was!

So, what’s the point?  Pride will suck the happiness out of you.  It will leave you hopeless, friendless, and depressed.  It isn’t worth it.  The opposite of pride is love, humility, and compassion.  Goddard said, “Love is not a happy accident: It is a choice” (Goddard, 83).

If you’re like me, and know you have a constant internal battle with pride, try following Benson’s seven steps for pride repellent:

1. Esteem others as yourself
2. Receive counsel and chastisement
3. Forgive those who have offended you
4. Render selfless service
5. Serve missions and preach the word that can humble others
6. Attend the temple frequently
7. Love God, submit your will to His, and put Him first in your life

Benson promises that as we are vigilant in conquering pride with these steps, we will be yielding our souls to God and becoming more capable of fulfilling our divine destiny.  Such divinity has only room for love and compassion.

-Mrs.

 

Reference:

Goddard, H. Wallace (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Doctrines That Change Relationships. Utah: Joymap Publishing.

Ezra Taft Benson (1989, April). Beware of Pride

This week I learned how listen better. I have always been a good listener but not necessarily a great listener that helps the person I am listening to know that I have an understanding of what they are going through. To repeat back a summary of what they have been saying in your own words can validate what they are feeling and lets them know you care and are listening. It also gives them an opportunity to clarify if you missed something. I think this is a great opportunity to score some big points with not just your spouse. It can help your relationship with anyone you associate with.

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However, there were a few things about this week’s lesson material that I do not agree with. In the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman wants you to agree or side with your spouse when something they are stressed about happens away from home. In the scenarios, Gottman encourages role play on what to say in order to side with your spouse in certain circumstances. I am more than willing to side with my spouse when something occurs that frustrates or stresses her in one way or another. The issue I have with this is sometimes when someone is in error, we should not support them when they may be the cause of the situation. I agree that we should have empathy and support your spouse but we should not uphold or support misbehavior or a fault caused by your spouse simple because they are your spouse. In this circumstance, I would console and give assistance and let them know that you see how frustrated they are but I don’t think it is appropriate to praise someone if they are in the wrong. I think that a better action would be to talk it out with them and help them, not necessarily give advice, because Gottman said not to give advice in this exercise, but help them think it out and realize for themselves that they may have been the cause of the scenario.

On the flip side, I enjoyed reading Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage.  I loved the answer that H. Wallace Goddard gave to helping us turn into our spouse. To have faith in the Savior is to learn to love your spouse. That will work in almost every aspect of live. I think that it is a great practice and should be a refocus for everyone every day

-Mr.

 

Reference:

Gottman, J, & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2nd ed.). New York: Harmony Books.

Goddard, H. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Utah: Joymap Publishing.

We are commanded to bear children so we can “multiply and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28), but there’s got to be more to that counsel.  When I look back at the memory of birthing my first child, I see a baby having a baby.  My goodness, my husband and I were both infants!  We drove home from the hospital at a speedy 25 mph, for fear that we would crash and injure this new spirit who had joined our family.  Our daughter must have had a smirk on her face the minute she was carried into our home.  This party was just getting started.

If, according to H. Wallace Goddard, “Satan’s best hope is to keep us from looking up,” the best strategy to get a husband and wife to do so is to throw a newborn in the mix.  (Goddard, 2009, p. 59).  New parents are too exhausted to lift their heads at all.  I remember nursing my newborn with cracked, sore, and bleeding nipples wondering how it was fair that my husband got to sleep through it all.  Though I didn’t realize it at the time, I was suffering from postpartum depression which caused me to stare at my baby while asking God, “Why?!”  Why didn’t I matter anymore?  Why would caring for an infant require 24 hour services from me alone?  Why didn’t anyone tell me that being a new mother would cause me to fantasize about running away forever? Well, whatever the reason, no one told me and I still survived, barely.

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Goddard quoted Elder Jeffrey R. Holland who said, “Too often too many of us run from the very things that will bless us and save us and soothe us.  Too often we see gospel commitments and commandments as something to be feared and forsaken” (Goddard, 2009, p. 59).  Now that it’s 14 years later, and I’m out of the baby-blues, I am painfully aware of the growth I have been granted because of the trials of motherhood.  Learning to embrace the struggles, such as these, that were orchestrated specifically for me is what has made surviving motherhood possible.

My husband and I have continued to invite children into our home.  We are learning to become united in our roles as parents in addition to being husband and wife.  My child bearing struggles have formed a bond with my husband where I’ve opened up and talked about everything and invited him to do the same.  Nothing provides an opportunity for extreme topics of conversation like having your feet elevated to the ceiling as a newborn protrudes from your private parts.  There is literally nothing to hide at that point.  I wonder that maybe God commanded us to have children so we could learn to communicate and love our spouses on a level that penetrates far beyond the surface.

I look forward to growing together with my husband.  As John M. Gottman put it, “Feeling a sense of unity with your spouse on the deepest issues is unlikely to occur overnight.  Exploring together is really an ongoing, lifelong process.  The goal…(is) to have a marriage where you are both open to each other’s most dearly held beliefs.  The more you create a marriage where these convictions can be readily divulged, the more joyous will be the life that you share” (Gottman, 2015, p. 276).

– Mrs.

 

 

 

Reference:

Goddard, H. Wallace (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Doctrines That Change Relationships. Utah: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J, & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2nd ed.). New York: Harmony Books.

 

This week I read a story about being married named, “The Parable of the Manufactured Home Halves.”  This is a great way to look at relationships. In the story, a man asks two builders to each build one half of a house for him. He didn’t give any directions or specifications. As you can tell this each half of the house is quite different. The perimeter walls and roof did not line up. At all.

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This is like two people coming together as husband and wife, they are different in most ways, physically and physiologically. This is a real-life scenario.  There will be many things that don’t match up when you are first married, but if a couple is willing, they can do some exterior remodeling to help join the roofline and seal up the walls in order to keep the cold and wet out of their house. Mostly, there is lots of interior work to be done in order to function well as a team while learning to think as one.

My wife and I had to learn to work with each other. We still do and I know it will continue, lest we stop functioning as a whole. It’s a good thing she was willing to put up with me or I would probably be getting rained on in my half of the open-living room.  I loved the visual of two halves of manufactured home not lining up as it reminded me of the vast differences that come from two partners. I know these differences make the marriage stronger and give character where it is needed.

-Mr.

“Adam, we had two sons

Both- Oh, Adam-

multiply

sorrow

Dear God, Why?”

(Lamentation, by Arta Romney Ballif)

This brings a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes!  How can I be old enough to have children and young enough to never have thought about Eve’s response to Cain and Able?  Is there a scarier nightmare than getting word that one of your children killed the other, intentionally?  Do you stop loving the fugitive?  Oh, Eve!  I am so sorry.  My heart is breaking for you thousands of years later.

I already love Elder Hafen, but reading his thoughts in regard to Ballif’s poem was eye-opening.  I made the connection that leaving the temple on my wedding day was parallel to Adam and Eve leaving the garden of Eden because:

• They were headed into the unknown

• They were authorized and capable of procreation

• They anticipated that the journey ahead would be worth it in the end

As the Mr. and I left the temple (“garden”) after our wedding, we were all smiles.  It wasn’t until moving into our first apartment that small trials headed our way in the form of cockroaches.  These little party animals ran wild in the dark and were everywhere.  We had a bug man spray inside our living quarters, but to no avail, these bugs really wanted to be part of our new life together.  Lying awake at night, I just knew they would try to sneak into my sheets and eat me.

I began to be exhausted from lack of sleep, only to add additional life stresses that had crept up on me.  I was in a new town, new university, new to the hormones of birth control pills, looking for a job to help pay our bills, struggling to stay on top of my heavy class work load… I was an emotional tornado.  #CueCockroaches

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Luckily, my husband suggested I lower my school standards just a little, calm down about finding a job, stop taking the pills, and learn to love the roaches.  I followed his advice and small miracles began to take place.

A less active woman showed up to church, the only Sunday I can remember, and offered me a job in the middle of Relief Society.  School turned into a routine I could manage well and the cockroaches began to subside.  When they did appear, I was less squirmish.

During this time, my husband and I were asked to stand before our gospel doctrine class as the teacher used us as an example.  He asked us to look into each other’s eyes and say, “I love you.”  So, we stood there with a room full of eyes staring back at us as we proclaimed our love for each other.

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When we sat down, the brother teaching remarked, “Remember what that feels like, Brother and Sister Pollock.  In 10 years, I want you to do the same thing, but I promise you: it will mean something different at that time.”  Chuckles and nodding heads permeated the room as we were by far the youngest wedded couple in attendance.

It’s true.  15 years later, it does mean something different.  More, I’d say.  Our essential learning is together as a couple.  I have had some disasters and miracles with my husband and each event has added scrapes and bruises to our marriage.  We call these scars: character.  We love character.

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*Link to the full Lamentation poem here

My wife and I began reading two books this week: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman and Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard. I wish I read these books years ago as they are filled with great counsel and hope for couples that wish to improve their marriage. Even if you’re not looking to elevate your marriage, I found it quite amusing to read scenarios about other couples that act the same as we do. I have always felt justified and good about the things I do, but when I view others performing in the same ways as me, it seems immature and selfish. I am wearing a smile as I write this to think of how childish I can be at times. The best part is that my wife also laughed when she read things that resembled her actions. I cannot fix what I don’t see, but now that I am aware, I want to make improvements in my relationship.

In Gottman’s book I learned that disagreements are a belief and have nothing to do with two parties where one is right and the other wrong.  He stated, “Most marital arguments cannot be resolved… This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values.  By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage” (Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p. 28).  This means I don’t have to prove that I am right.  I often get hung up on validating my opinions so I can justify why I’m right to the other person.  Knowing that arguing doesn’t do any good changes the way I interact with others, especially my wife.

It’s okay not to agree with your wife.  You can have a different opinion and not have to worry about being right all the time.  As long as you resolve issues and agree to disagree you can move on with whatever it is you’re talking about.  You just have to remember not to take it personal when your wife doesn’t agree with you.  Because she won’t.  Maybe not ever.

For example: I grew up with farm animals.  I’ve raised my children with animals and they too share my admiration, but my wife hates farm animals.  She understands the importance of having food in the freezer, however, she will never understand my love for livestock and my desire to raise and nurture them.  I know that my wife will never love these creatures, but I also know that she allows me to raise them and values what livestock does for our family.

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These books have taught me that I can keep my wife and my farm animals.  Arguing about them is a waste of time.  As long as we can understand and value each other, even in our differences, we can grow closer together and create a better relationship.  I just won’t make that togetherness happen in the horse pen.

-Mr.

It is difficult to be a parent.  A few stressors of parenting are: providing for the family, teaching consistently, caring for children, always looking for a tool that has wondered away from its place in my tool box, and so on.  This is the reality of parenting.

When I became a husband, I promised to be the best husband and father to the children that might come.  Before marriage, my wife and I decided that six children sounded like a good number.  After number four we were convinced we were done.  Our seventh child just had her second birthday.  Little did I know, seven children would turn my hair gray and teach me lessons of patience and long-suffering.

This week I was out of town for work.  While I was away, my daughter had her second birthday.  Over the phone, she was “showing me” her birthday gifts.  She stammered through telling me “Happy birthday to you” and babbled about her new horses she received as birthday gifts. Listening to her happiness melted my heart, it was amazing. This little joy experienced over a long-distance phone call was worth all the messy diapers and toddler disasters in the house. I know that joy truly comes from our posterity and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

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Since the beginning of time man and woman have been commanded to multiply and replenish the earth. The purpose of multiplying is to have joy in our posterity. Elder Bruce C. Hafen stated, “Without the Fall, Lehi taught, Adam and Eve would never have known opposition. And ‘they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery,’” (Hafen, 1996, para. 5, 2 Ne 2:23). The interesting fact is that Adam and Eve needed to leave the Garden of Eden and experience misery and have children to experience the joy that opposition can bring.  When I think of how I was supposed to have children in order to learn patience and be refined into a better person. My children have caused me frustration, have tested my character, and in short have made me the person I am today.

-Mr.

How many times have you thought to meet someone halfway?  I do that a lot with a good friend who lives 30 minutes from me.  When we need to borrow from each other, we have a meeting spot that is 15 minutes for both of us.  It’s wonderful and cuts down our drives.

Unfortunately, people apply this same logic to friendships and marriages.  So often on social media there are memes talking about giving up on people who aren’t doing anything for you.  It’s a constant game of contributing up to 50% and if the other party has not reciprocated, the relationship is off.

Bruce Hafen gave an example of 100% relationships as he shared an experience where his wife, a mother of seven children, was helping her 4^th grade son complete his homework assignment.  It was a diagram he was building on a cookie sheet, and it was taking forever.  Hafen relates, “At first he fought her efforts, but by bedtime, I saw him lay ‘his’ diorama proudly on a counter. He started for his bed, then turned around, raced back across the room, and hugged his mother, grinning with his fourth-grade teeth. Later I asked Marie in complete awe, ‘How did you do it?’ She said, ‘I just made up my mind that I couldn’t leave him, no matter what.’ Then she added, ‘I didn’t know I had it in me.’”

So many relationships need a Marie involved, who won’t leave, “no matter what.”  One formula for becoming more like Marie, involves understanding relationships the way the Lord has set them up.  I remember years ago, I took an institute of religion class at Fresno State University.  The instructor drew a pyramid on the board and talked of marriage and how there is the husband, the wife and God.

Bednar mentions this same model and has said, “Consider what happens in the relationship between the man and the woman as they individually and steadily ‘come unto Christ’ and strive to be ‘perfected in Him’ (Moro. 10:32). Because of and through the Redeemer, the man and the woman come closer together.”  And as we read earlier, this pyramid can also apply to parents and children as well.

Can you imagine a world where individuals consistently gave 100% as they walked toward the Savior?  What would relationships look like in such a circumstance?  I believe these relationships already exist and are multiplying steadily.  My hope is to remain in a covenant marriage where I can work with my husband as we grow together, closer to Christ.

-Mrs.

 

References:

Bruce C. Hafen, Covenant Marriage, Ensign, November 1996. (Click Here)

David A. Bednar, Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan, Ensign, June 2006.  (Click Here)