Marital issues can be grouped into two categories: A perpetual problem, with no solution, or a solvable problem. Solvable problems are much easier to resolve when you have the desire to work through them. For example, my wife and I have an ongoing disagreement about household chores. It is not fair that my wife is home all day and faced with a house full of gremlins (children) that undo any form of cleaning. Often, we talk about how I can pick up some of the slack. Normally it is a no brainer and I help immediately, but messes are a constant in our home making this an ongoing-solvable problem. Easy enough.
But let me chime in on the driving issue the Mrs. so cleverly outlined. I normally drive when we go on long trips; I like to be aware of my surroundings. This means I am always looking in the distance of things around me. I often notice what others may not. In my observations of the beautiful surroundings, I might hit the rumble strips on occasion. I know this, and I am also aware that it really bothers the Mrs. I understand it is noisy and uncomfortable at times, but I don’t do it on purpose and not once has anyone been hurt. Yet it normally begins an emotionally filled discussion about how unsafe and irresponsible my driving habits are. I get defensive and give her the opportunity to drive if it would make her feel safer. When I stop to think about it, this simple and petty issue keeps coming up letting me know this is the eternal perpetual problem.
In his book, John M. Gottman gives us a few steps to remember when dealing with marital conflict. These steps are:
- Negative emotions are important
- No one is right
- Accepting is crucial
- Focus on Fondness and admiration
These steps seem simple enough and taking them will help us work through issues. Together we can come to understand each other and diffuse any anger or resentment before it ruins our relationship (Gottman, 1999, p157).
Shifting gears, while reading Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, I really enjoyed how he put such an emphasis on the importance of living with the attitude of consecration with your spouse. The willingness to live by this higher law will help us have a much closer relationship with our spouse and is preparing us to live a life that our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are preparing for us in the life to come. We can live and move as one instead of two halves. I think of this and tell myself I have a way to go yet but can have a hope to get there. I know that if anyone can help me get there it will be with the help of the Lord and my wonderful spouse, whether in the car or in the home. This is a lofty goal but why not shoot for the moon and hit a star? The worst that could happen is that we miss and then try again and again.
-Mr.
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References:
Gottman, John M. and Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony Books.
Goddard, H. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Utah: Joymap Publishing.
Love and Marriage 