We are commanded to bear children so we can “multiply and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28), but there’s got to be more to that counsel. When I look back at the memory of birthing my first child, I see a baby having a baby. My goodness, my husband and I were both infants! We drove home from the hospital at a speedy 25 mph, for fear that we would crash and injure this new spirit who had joined our family. Our daughter must have had a smirk on her face the minute she was carried into our home. This party was just getting started.
If, according to H. Wallace Goddard, “Satan’s best hope is to keep us from looking up,” the best strategy to get a husband and wife to do so is to throw a newborn in the mix. (Goddard, 2009, p. 59). New parents are too exhausted to lift their heads at all. I remember nursing my newborn with cracked, sore, and bleeding nipples wondering how it was fair that my husband got to sleep through it all. Though I didn’t realize it at the time, I was suffering from postpartum depression which caused me to stare at my baby while asking God, “Why?!” Why didn’t I matter anymore? Why would caring for an infant require 24 hour services from me alone? Why didn’t anyone tell me that being a new mother would cause me to fantasize about running away forever? Well, whatever the reason, no one told me and I still survived, barely.
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Goddard quoted Elder Jeffrey R. Holland who said, “Too often too many of us run from the very things that will bless us and save us and soothe us. Too often we see gospel commitments and commandments as something to be feared and forsaken” (Goddard, 2009, p. 59). Now that it’s 14 years later, and I’m out of the baby-blues, I am painfully aware of the growth I have been granted because of the trials of motherhood. Learning to embrace the struggles, such as these, that were orchestrated specifically for me is what has made surviving motherhood possible.
My husband and I have continued to invite children into our home. We are learning to become united in our roles as parents in addition to being husband and wife. My child bearing struggles have formed a bond with my husband where I’ve opened up and talked about everything and invited him to do the same. Nothing provides an opportunity for extreme topics of conversation like having your feet elevated to the ceiling as a newborn protrudes from your private parts. There is literally nothing to hide at that point. I wonder that maybe God commanded us to have children so we could learn to communicate and love our spouses on a level that penetrates far beyond the surface.
I look forward to growing together with my husband. As John M. Gottman put it, “Feeling a sense of unity with your spouse on the deepest issues is unlikely to occur overnight. Exploring together is really an ongoing, lifelong process. The goal…(is) to have a marriage where you are both open to each other’s most dearly held beliefs. The more you create a marriage where these convictions can be readily divulged, the more joyous will be the life that you share” (Gottman, 2015, p. 276).
– Mrs.
Reference:
Goddard, H. Wallace (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Doctrines That Change Relationships. Utah: Joymap Publishing.
Gottman, J, & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2nd ed.). New York: Harmony Books.
Love and Marriage 