My wife and I began reading two books this week: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman and Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard. I wish I read these books years ago as they are filled with great counsel and hope for couples that wish to improve their marriage. Even if you’re not looking to elevate your marriage, I found it quite amusing to read scenarios about other couples that act the same as we do. I have always felt justified and good about the things I do, but when I view others performing in the same ways as me, it seems immature and selfish. I am wearing a smile as I write this to think of how childish I can be at times. The best part is that my wife also laughed when she read things that resembled her actions. I cannot fix what I don’t see, but now that I am aware, I want to make improvements in my relationship.
In Gottman’s book I learned that disagreements are a belief and have nothing to do with two parties where one is right and the other wrong. He stated, “Most marital arguments cannot be resolved… This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage” (Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p. 28). This means I don’t have to prove that I am right. I often get hung up on validating my opinions so I can justify why I’m right to the other person. Knowing that arguing doesn’t do any good changes the way I interact with others, especially my wife.
It’s okay not to agree with your wife. You can have a different opinion and not have to worry about being right all the time. As long as you resolve issues and agree to disagree you can move on with whatever it is you’re talking about. You just have to remember not to take it personal when your wife doesn’t agree with you. Because she won’t. Maybe not ever.
For example: I grew up with farm animals. I’ve raised my children with animals and they too share my admiration, but my wife hates farm animals. She understands the importance of having food in the freezer, however, she will never understand my love for livestock and my desire to raise and nurture them. I know that my wife will never love these creatures, but I also know that she allows me to raise them and values what livestock does for our family.
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These books have taught me that I can keep my wife and my farm animals. Arguing about them is a waste of time. As long as we can understand and value each other, even in our differences, we can grow closer together and create a better relationship. I just won’t make that togetherness happen in the horse pen.
-Mr.
Love and Marriage 