We tend to treat our friends better, and with more compassion, than our family members. Do we love them more? I doubt that, but there is a level of reverence for our friends we can do well to bring into our family relationships.
However, friends don’t always push us the way a parent, sibling, or spouse can. Family has a front row seat to the performance of our lives where they take turns adding to our script. Occasionally they insert props at our feet while we’re preoccupied, just to watch us trip. It’s so entertaining to watch others fall.
Spouses take this role even deeper as they share the stage with us throughout adulthood and hopefully into death. They add depth and color in both the harmony and dissonance of life. Because we choose them, there is something different about a spouse. We aren’t forced into liking them, living with them, no one makes us share ice cream or remote controls. That was on us and it can be a beautiful thing or a horrendous disaster and it all depends on the quality of the friendship.
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Friendships last longer than marriages. Marriages can come and go, but friendships remain. According to John M. Gottman, “Happy marriages are based on deep friendship” (Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p21) and I agree.
Oddly enough, by the time I married my husband we had known each other a total of 4 months. We had no idea what we were getting into, but 15 years later it’s still working. When I read the beginning of Gottman’s comments I knew why my marriage is still alive, because we like each other. The sex helps as do the day-to-day courtesies we offer each other, but being friends is our foundation. H. Wallace Goddard added that, “Good marriage is not about skills. It is about character” (Goddard, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, p35). The Lord knows, we have character in abundance, I’m glad I have a friend to share it with.
Love and Marriage 