For years I watched my parent’s cold relationship. I don’t recall them talking as friends, no jokes, no laughs, no fun. What kind of marriage doesn’t communicate? They didn’t seem to care about each other so what on earth brought them together to make a family? And why bring five children into this hollow relationship?
When I got the official word, that divorce was the conclusion to their marriage, I shrugged my shoulders and responded with, “Well, it’s about time.” I was sixteen years old, what else could I say.
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“Divorce will not solve your problems. It may close the door on some, but it is like walking down a long corridor with doors opening on both sides to many more problems.” – Spencer W. Kimball
The immediate future changed drastically. Dad moved out, mom moved forward with a full-time job, and no one seemed to care for the teens and tweens left at home. I could literally do anything I wanted, my mom would never know and my dad wouldn’t be allowed to know.
Mom filled my head with information more appropriate to share with a therapist, all of which centered on how she was wronged by Dad. He wasn’t paying child support, credit card bills, or alimony. He was “out to get her.” He was the devil and wanted nothing more than to watch her suffer financially. This nonsense went on endlessly. In short, she had been mistreated by Dad and had done nothing to invoke such abuse. #InsertEyeRoll
Fast forward twenty years: I learn that not only was my dad heartbroken over the divorce, he wanted to work it out and attempted marriage counseling repeatedly, but to no avail. It’s tricky trying to heal a marriage alone. He wanted to support our family at the very least financially and thus paid ALL child support, credit card bills, even my mom’s student loans. At every turn, my mom spread contrasting stories to all who would believe her. She could spin quite a story, but the main characters had been mismatched and renamed. I am ashamed that I fell for her fictional tales.
How do we view those that mistreat us? This question was posed in the book The Peacegiver by James L. Ferrell and got me thinking about my parent’s divorce. During all the turmoil, my dad chose peace. He chose to let my mom say what she wanted, all the while knowing a false representation of himself was spreading like wildfire. How did he view this woman who was mistreating him? As the mother of his children.
Dallin H. Oaks counseled, “The remedy is not divorce but repentance.” My dad could have demanded truth and justice be served to him in those years following the divorce, but he clung to the knowledge that all he could really do was love from a distance and forgive my mom at each turn. It wasn’t easy. He watched his children suffer, but in time I was able to see his constant Christ-like charity and love him for it. My dad has passed on now, but was able to do so with peace, knowing he did all in his power to repair what he could of his broken family.
-Mrs.
Love and Marriage 